Chapter 16 Christmas

23:50

There is one week during the year which fills many with suicidal thoughts. There are expectations never to be met, there are customs which many obey out of sheer fear of breaking out of tradition, there are religious beliefs that help people shift the focus from this difficult time and survive.

When you are a child the whole experience is positive, as you calculate with the eagerness of a banker how many presents you are going to get, how much money is going to fall effortlessly into your pockets, for how many days you are not going to go to school and what amount of chocolate you are going to eat, joining the group of overweight underage population. Once you’re past these years, you might come upon some difficulties. Maybe you hate spending hours preparing traditional dishes, you don’t want to be forced to knead the dough, fold dumplings and decorate ginger houses. Maybe you are short of cash and you don’t want to spend money on things that will be soon forgotten after a pleasant exchange of gifts. Finally, at the thought of spending hours at the table of twenty or thirty people and being asked the same questions over and over again, questions digging unpleasantly into your personal life, the number of kids you have or you are planning to have, your unhappy or failing relationships, or this state of singledom which never seems to end, you want to vomit. No one blames you. After continuous nagging, you might even become aggressive and stop actually turning up at your family gatherings.

These were the first thoughts that came to mind of Robert Rej when he was sitting at the table next to his ex-father-in-law, opposite his ex-wife and her new partner, with fifteen other people around, including his daughters. Robert made that day a few silly mistakes. The first mistake was accepting the invitation of his ex-wife. He heard the pitiful tone in her voice when she said that he didn’t have a family and, thus, he was supposed to come and spend some time with his daughters. He agreed, partly because he was really supposed to spend time with his offspring, and partly because he genuinely didn’t have any other plans. His second mistake was made when he bought for his girls books by Frances Hodgson Burnett as a Christmas present, distinctly remembering the beauty of A Little Prince and The Secret Garden, which he read when he was a little boy. His ex-wife’s new partner was more elaborate with his presents, and so was his ex-father-in-law, so the girls were spoiled with new doll-houses, sets of Barbie dolls with husbands, ponies and little dentist-utilities (it’s never to late to teach girls some practical skills).

After three hours of the feast, he could finally go home. Exhausted, he climbed the stairs and found Lena doing something in the kitchen.

‘Aren’t you at your family’s house?’ he asked, wondering why she was even there.

‘I have a serious case of flu,’ she answered, taking glasses from the cupboard, ‘I cannot spread the virus to my little step-brothers and sisters.’

‘But you seem perfectly fine.’

‘Only you know about it. It’s my seventh Christmas in a row. I usually have food poisoning at Easter and commuting problems on All Saint’s Day. I still visit them at the weekend several times a year, but spending the whole week with my family is like a bullet in the head. You have to draw the line at some point.’

‘Aren’t you sad being alone at Christmas?’

‘Do I look sad? I would be as miserable as you if I broke my routine. Look at you, you look as if you needed help from a psychologist. You can change your clothes for something less formal. I invited Krakowski for a dinner.’

‘Have you cooked all these dishes?’, Robert pointed at the kitchen window sill stuffed with food.

‘Do I look like a maniac? I bought everything. The Greek fish, salad, dumplings, everything is from Tesco and Biedronka. I bought some cakes from Blikle. I’m not saying that I don’t like Christmas, but I don’t like forcing myself to something that makes me depressed. Cooking is one of those things. Spending more time with children, taking into account my job, is another one. And buying a dozen presents, taking into account my earnings. So I opt out of all these options.’

Robert all of a sudden remembered his ex-wife’s family members who all these years seemed to evade any family gatherings, skipped weddings, christenings, birthdays and anniversaries. Their absence was pitied by those present at the occasions. Now Robert realized they needed no pity. They were actually having more fun on their own.

Expectations drew people into misery. It was expected of him to be a husband, but he was totally miserable doing this, as staying in a relationship without love was pointless. Any other job but policeman made him feel useless and out of place and, even though he tried and was persuaded by many to change it for something safer and more profitable, he just couldn’t do this. His presence at the Christmas dinner was expected of him, but the last thing he wanted was to look at his ex-wife’s amorous exchanges with her new partner and his daughters displeased looks at his presents. He really did like this The Secret Garden book as a child.

‘Next year I will follow your lead. And I will buy books for myself.’, he muttered to himself, still uncertain if he would have guts to do this.

He actually liked Christmas and eating the second dinner in a row with Lena and Jakub Krakowski was making him remember it. Professor brought two bottles of wine and they had an informal gathering with no expectations whatsoever.

Jakub Krakowski looked good in a T-shirt and an academic jacket, he was still handsome, despite his years, like a good wine, he aged gracefully, while his scientific interests still kept him young at heart and mind. Lena wore her little black dress, applied very subtle make-up and to all this, she wore these ridiculous woolen slippers they also bought in Cracov. She lit the candles on the table covered with non-Christmas theme sheets and crowded with ready-made dishes from the supermarket served on plastic plates used for barbecue. When they were full, they actually played some Christmas carols. Later that night Anton called via Skype from Russia, as he made use of the Catholic Christmas break to visit his mother. It was Lena who helped Robert talk via the internet connection and he was even glad that there was something like technology.

There were no gifts but gifts of good company and conversation. And Robert felt that life started to put in front of him the right kind of people.